For a few years I had nothing to do with Church, until I was 14 when some travelling evangelists came to my town. They were so funny and as a result drew large crowds. They made God and the Bible accessible, and they presented the Gospel clearly. I realised I needed God in my life, and for the first time, I asked Him into my heart. In my early teens I got very involved with another Presbyterian Church (after Mum, I couldn't go back to our first Church), and in time got involved with their youth work, and went on missions and camps. But, as I grew up, like we all do, I became sexually aware.
For a time I just felt an attraction to guys, I never thought anything of it, until eventually I realised that I was what the Church called, "a homosexual". Even although I didn't understand it, I knew this was a bad thing to be. Over the years these feelings got stronger, and no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I couldn't shake these feelings.
At 17 I moved to the Baptist Church, mainly over the issue of baptising babies which I saw as unscriptural. I was baptised by immersion and I continued to follow Jesus. But over the next year things came to a head. By day I was a regular happy guy - the face I wanted people to see. By night I was my real self - lonely, depressed, and suicidal. Of course I could never kill myself - that would be a sin. So I begged God to kill me or cure me. I couldn't go on. I cannot tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep, begging God to "take it away".
Finally I forced myself to confide in a pastor at the Church. He was great - and helped me to get counselling. However, this counsellor believed that homosexuality could be cured. At first I felt hope. But that turned to despair as I sank deeper into depression. When I told my pastor what the counsellor was doing, he was horrified. He believed that being gay was not a sin, and thought I had only been getting help to live a celibate life. He pulled the funding for counselling and started to meet me weekly himself. We spent a long time in prayer and Bible study. But things didn't get any easier. I experienced hell, and I agree with Rev Justin Cannon who said, "hell is where the statement, God is Love, ends with a question mark".
One evening I climbed a hill with a friend and spilled all my dirty secrets and fears. The biggest was my fear of being alone all my life. I knew God had designed us to live in pairs, except for those with a calling of celibacy on their lives - but that wasn't me! I yearned for love and affection (it was not about sex!).
Over the next few months I got honest with God. But I felt that all my prayers were just hitting off the ceiling. God seemed so distant. The more I reached out, the farther away he seemed. In time I stopped taking communion (I felt like a hyppocrite) and eventually stopped going to Church.
I rebelled against God. I started smoking, drinking and took up casual sex. For the first time I felt so alive. But of course, that wasn't to last. You see, it feels great at first - but in time it leaves you more empty and lonely than ever. As 1 Corinthians 6:21 says in The Message, "we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever". As ever, God is right, but it would take me another 5 years to figure that out!
Finally I met a guy, a staunch agnostic, which at the time helped me get over religion. We got into a serious relationship. We were together for over 10 years, but something happened 6 years in to our relationship. It was the one thing I wanted to avoid.
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| The truth it took years to learn! |
After over a year of studying, researching and reading the entire Bible, I realised that Christianity was true. The God I was trying to avoid was back in my face again! I knelt, and there were no words, just a change of heart. I accepted God back into my life. For a few months I struggled with the notion that God could love me, yet the Bible says he does! So I asked him if it was true.
What happened next is hard to describe. I felt peace, then waves of pure energy pulsating through my body - and the most intense feeling of love and acceptance. The hurts and pains of the past were literally washed away in seconds. I cried and I cried - and just sat in this amazing love. I have never doubted His love for me again.
It took months for me to go back to Church again. That was a big deal for me, especially after I'd been so proud of abandoning Church. I started out slowly, but my newfound faith caused my relationship to break down. My partner had also had a bad experience of Church, and now I was bringing it home. Eventually he couldn't live with it any more and gave me a choice. I chose to follow Jesus. I see him as a living example of what Bible abuse can do, and I pray that one day he will be ready to meet the real Jesus.
A year later I faced the other issue I'd been avoiding - the sexuality and the Bible issue. I knew it had been the death of my faith before and I didn't want that again. But something told me it was okay to go there. For a year I devoured websites and books, different views and opinions. All the time I was seeking God's help.
A year and a half later a friend suggested that I went to the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). MCC was founded within the gay community, and has a mainly evangelical outlook with one exception. They endorse same-sex relationships. I thought they must be a bunch of crazy liberals. They would be gay men playing at Church. But to keep my friend happy I agreed to go. On the way I prayed that if this was truly God's people, that I'd feel the Spirit there. I arrived, and sat right at the back beside the door - with a planned escape route! But to my surprise, there was no orgy on the alter, no funny stuff, no obsession with sexuality. Surprisingly it was just, "church". And the Holy Spirit was there! For a long time I went to both the Baptist Church and MCC, but in time MCC became my Church and I joined! It was great to be in a Church where I didn't have to worry about being "found out" - I can just focus on my relationship with God.
My faith journey has deepened my love for God and my respect for the Bible. I've learned that no matter who you are, God loves you. He wants to be part of our lives, to offer forgiveness and a fresh start.
This is a message I have become passionate about. I love sharing Jesus with anyone who wants to hear. Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are two groups of people I care deeply about, but I also have a passion for those who have been told God does not love them, or that they are not welcome at Church - especially those who are gay or lesbian.
If anyone (including yourself!) has told you that Jesus is not for you, I want to tell you that is a lie. He loves you more than you can ever know, he is standing waiting for you to reach out to him. And he promises you, "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:13). And it's true!
UPDATE - MARCH 2014
I settled into MCC and I'm very happy there. However I also started exploring the role of the Holy Spirit in Christian life, and found a lot in the New Testament that we don't really see much of today. From healing to speaking in tongues, prophecy to miracles - these things were absent from the Churches of my youth. But seeing them in the Bible made me wonder, if God is the same yesterday, today and forever, why would these gifts not be available today?
I spent time researching and then went to a Charismatic gathering (on the recommendation of a friend I trust). To cut a long story short, I was baptised in the Holy Spirit, and later at home received the gift of tongues. I'm currently exploring this more and more, and am in awe of what God is doing.
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